shake, rattle and roll

I am an animal, no different than any other animal

I wake up and do what I need to do

To survive

Then I do what I need to do 

to feel alive

I am an animal

driven by instinct and habit

I love and hate

on a razor thin edge

but mostly

I stay away from the fence, if possible

I'm driven by forces that can't be explained

in simple terms

day after day I repeat what I need

with my animal instinct and

a bit of greed

yet I sit in a cube

and re-arrange bits and bytes 

to fit the needs of those in need

strange engineers through time

have presented solutions to problems

that end up needing solutions

I can't sleep with all this nonsense

but I have a cocktail

that nudges me into rest

I know people that I really don't know

I am someone who isn't really known

yet I go

on and on and on

seeing my face change

knowing what's in store

I've seen it before

the habit of living

is hard to break

work till you retire

and then it's your wake

statements, conclusions, goals

fuck me

contempt for what I see

..................................

shake, rattle and roll

it's tomorrow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AohLQPTlbOA

Dual Sporting in January

Jesse and I tried to get to Virginia City in the dirt. Didn't work so we backtracked and got there on the road. Was cold...The kinda cold that sticks with you when you get back home....If you're curious, check out the vids that are un-edited(let em load)....In time I will edit this down to 1 good video with music.....Keep in mind that Jesse's bike was made in 1974 and mine in 1994.....Jesse's bike is older than him. This is not gonzo it's vintage gonzo....

http://vimeo.com/35816770

http://vimeo.com/35816989

http://vimeo.com/35816189

Ya knew it was coming.

The world of instant information has now included info of your 200 best or worst friends via facebook not to mention the latest crap you need to read just to get to your own email. Ya don't have to but mostly you need a home page to get to it and that home page has world events in blocks...Those blocks of the latest missing kid, celebrity fuck up, stock market lies all add up to stress that takes no more than 10 seconds to digest.


 Concerning FB you now know their every hangover, every downfall or inspirational moment....Watch as they workout while you don't.....The unseen affect of this one thing is gigantic...The obligation is enormous. .It's addictive and fun, yes...I've had mine, but at some point you have to question the implications and information that you are presented with. We channel surf and now we people surf...


I am not guaranteeing anything but I hope to rid myself of FB. I'm going on almost 2 weeks and it feels much better not poking around or prancing around.....


There was a time when things were actually a real event. Photography. It was a process with thought and art and I'm not saying it cannot continue but what I am saying is that it's far too easy to snap and load without changing the settings of our point and shoots. Hasn't been that long since the term f-stop and shutter speed are absent from the photographers vocabulary....just 1 example. Dating is another as well as sex. We show our cocks from the stratosphere without actually finding somebody who really wants to see our privates. 


We force ourselves onto each other in so many ways. We're overloaded and I think there will be repercussions. I couldn't predict what they might be. I think in the comfort of your own bed you can see the world but that doesn't mean you are actually engaged. A conversation is engaging whether online or in person but taking it to the next level and actually being present is an entirely different thing. I won't even go into smart phones other than they are a wonderfully addictive tool as beer is for me. Good luck looking down and not around.


I think facebook is basically thanksgiving dinner over and over again....Home for the Holidays comes to mind.

New Year

This is a new year...This is the Crystal Bay Club with Jim/Jackie ...seeing Jackie Greene.....

http://vimeo.com/35040262

Have a lot to say.....in spurts...

Cheers 2012...

Perfectly Lonely....

John Mayer couldn't have said it any better....it's not sad or happy, just is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5owMoJomKcI&playnext=1&list=PLF359A705999FC352

Had a little love but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game round town
Tore out my heart and shut it down

PRE-CHORUS
Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do, no one but me
That's is all I need

CHORUS
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely, yeah
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

I see my friends around from time to time
When their ladies let em slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say ...

PRE-CHORUS
Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one to be
Is it really hard to see?

CHORUS
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely, yeah
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

[INSTRUMENTAL]

CHORUS
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely, yeah
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs --

That's the way, that's the way
That's the way that I want it
That's the way, that's the way
That's the way that I want it
That's the way, that's the way
That's the way that I want it
That's the way, that's the way
That's the way that I want it

God

Who are you?  Does it bother you that a significant portion of the planet is killing each other in your name? Does it bother you that people give thanks to you when they are surrounded by the less fortunate? The idea of a person in the sky that has 1 ounce of control is as idiotic as it comes if you look at the state of mankind on this planet.

People praise and give you thanks but are somehow afraid to curse you. I can't curse or be mad because I don't think you exist in any form that I could perceive. If you exist in a form I can't perceive how can I know or be afraid of you?

I can only imagine if I were the Christian god and sent a savior to earth the both of you must be doing back flips in bewilderment saying, 'nooooo, that is not what we meant!' The only thing that is of interest to me is my conscience. I don't know how it knows right from wrong and has for a long time. It wasn't just my upbringing. In my mind if you exist, you exist as that. Believing in written text that comes to me 4th or 5th hand at best by people who proclaim to know how my brain and heart should be aligned is total nonsense to me. It makes sense to others.

When I die I will not fear judgement of anyone or anything. Trust me on this. I'm hard enough on myself for 1000 gods.

It's simply a shame so many people kill in your name....and if you do exist I think you should be the one in fear of judgement.

Enough said,

Merry Christmas - as it would appear that Jesus was one of thousands of decent people born to this earth and I can't fault him for your timing and strategy.

Time Warp

Watched a documentary yesterday called, 'War Room' about the 1992 presidential campaign for Bill Clinton. It featured George Stephanopouloss and James Carville. Interesting how Carville is so politically incorrect. Love him or hate him, he says it how he feels. What is striking is how much time has gone by since. Seems like it was only last week everyone was imitating Ross Perot.

It's just a mind warp for me to think of the issues that were talked about were exactly the same issues that we talk about today. 8 years of democrat, 8 years of republican....Can you really tell why and and when you were better off? Put a different coat of paint on the same ol piece of shit car and call it better....right....I specifically remember when Carter was president and older friends of mine couldn't afford a home because of interest rates. His fault or not..? This isn't a political statement as much as a question to who was in office when you felt you were doing good or not so good.I hear a lot of banter by pissed off people about who's running things and I just wonder if they just like taking a side because it's more comfortable,,,, or they can put their finger on the politicians who while in office, made their lives miserable. I generally, as a middle class white dude can't tell shit from shinola. Yeah, I'm pissed too but I'm pissed at the car and not the color of paint that hangs on it. I'm not running for office and have some drunken picture of me in Vegas show up in some campaign add. 'Do you really want this guy making your decisions?' I'll bet you have the same pictures.

Onward -

I never heard the word email. Mostly they were looking at faxes. The tv's of that time weren't much different than the ones our folks had. Cell phones...ha ..They had some bricks. The technological advancement is stunning on 1 hand and sad on the other. Kids these days(not all)  have the option of being really soft. I totally understand our parents saying they walked uphill both ways to school. I've seen it with my own eyes, kids are more excited about the latest phone than the latest bicycle, dress or whatever...(we'll get to that later). It's easier to write 1 time on FB than 20 times concerning important events. Almost like the greeting cards you get from the morons who take awkward pictures and drool their yearly accomplishments. As if staying alive wasn't good enough. I see both sides. I can have all my music on a small device but then I gotta make play-lists...easy compared to making a cassette tape from an album but those cassette tapes are still with me today even while deteriorating.  I guess there is the gluttony factor. Too much to keep track of.

Bicycles - 1996 I bought a used 1995 model Trek y22. One of the finest bikes of the time. Later to be buried and hidden for some traits I never felt. Brake jack, stiffening up while standing...the list goes on. The bike was light at 25 pds and I've yet to build a lighter full suspension bike. It held up to all the abuse I gave it. Now we have disk brakes and suspension that changes and changes back. I have friends so disgusted with it they ride rigid. Back to the mid 80's on that one. Not me. I'm full steam ahead with something to be named at a later date.

I look back on that period(90's) as some of the best days of my life and watching the show reminded me of it...The normal gain/loss you would experience after 18 years of living.  It's just amazing to think that now most folks have 1/2 their music library on their phone, better camera and the ability to call from almost anyplace on a fucking phone. It's no wonder kids are so excited. My father would have tripped out and it's only been 6 years since he passed.

I suppose as I write this the idea would be that technology can solve some old problems but with it brings on another set that nobody can comprehend.

Peace and Love..Peave and Love...Ringo Starr

Watch out, you might get what you're after.

I've found that I'm less mad when I'm doing something, anything, even work than I am when I'm scanning the internet for anything. Invariably I will run across a headline that pisses me off or a stupid post someplace.

They say ignorance is bliss but ignorance has no ability to effect a change. What do I want changed and what pisses me off. Depends on the day I suppose and what battles I've fought on those given days.

Idea #1 politicians before becoming elected must go thru at least a 6 month(paid out of pocket) world preparation course. A crash course in Theology, Political Science, spend some time in a hospice, a pharmacy and any other place you can think of that will make them stop taking 1 for the team and think for themselves. Cops, fireman and many other professions either do a crash course or need a serious degree. The only thing a politician needs is a smart haircut and an ability to play for a team. 1 came to the house yesterday and I sprayed him with Weed and Feed.

Burns my ass story - Dr gives me a prescription for 15 days for sleep aids. Yet I can only get them filled every 23. Catalyst Health for ya. Pharmacist said they are so bad I should file a complaint. I log-on to the consumer affairs website but there is no funding for that anymore. Who in their right fucking mind thinks health care in this country doesn't need to be fixed. I'll tell you who. Healthy motherfuckers who've never had to deal with it. My point is not only financial. It's also ethical and those of you who've been around to see the unnecessary treatments doled out on the dying will know what I mean. If I'm dying, please just send me home with some painkillers. Don't take the last 6 months of my  life away with needless treatments even if those treatments don't cost me a dime. This is the point - they make money for almost everyone involved.

I guess knowing who to help and knowing who is using the system is a big challenge. Seems like they care more about if you water your lawn on Mondays(yes, I saw a ticket being written) than they do if you're getting full time disability without being disabled.

I guess I won't go on anymore...some people call it a kaiser blade but I call it a sling blade... ummmmmmmmmm.

ps. ..the stupid motherfucker who thinks this has become as socialist country. We've become something even worse!  When 5 percent of the folks control 95 percent of the dough I think somethings wrong. And the people are mad at the government for not making jobs. How bout those 5 percent that do their business in such a way that it puts farms out of business, ships other business overseas and has bottom line efficiency as their only goal. And these 5 per-centers are so smart they run everything yet lead you and me to believe its either the Republicans or the Democrats causing the problems. While we're out bashing each other over politics they're out doing what they do.

A visit to my mothers house.

a day not long ago but far away
the smell of a familiar house
up the steps to a warm hug
how you doing
supper, laughter and love
living rooms, cigarettes and furry babies
backyards, birds and feeders
rag mags, beers and silence
hugs goodbye until the next time
a day not long ago but far away

Thots...

Immigration -  just a few quick thoughts..Not living on a boarder state I might get some input from those who do before I spout off.... but I will anyway..If I'm shaking in my skin just trying to get a new Nevada license it might be OK for somebody who just walked over the boarder to have to show some paperwork...I've heard the folks that do have the wherewithal to be in this country are pissed at the people who don't have to show proof. If we can't get into their country why should we let anyone in....You see...this isn't a Republican or Democratic idea..Its' common sense...

Along those lines the unemployment rate in Nevada in now 14 percent.....You wanna know why? Who cares I'm telling you....Because government has taken away our survival skills.  1 week you get more and the next you don't. It's my firm belief that 2 years unemployment is enough. At some point you have to get off the couch and take the jobs the so-called Mexicans are taking. I just talked to a small business owner in Carson and he said the new minimum wage rate is killing him as well. Who's making the decisions that make an entire town an empty storefront? Carson City is well on it's way to a ghost town. On 1 hand I don't care since I have no family here but on the other I think it's a beautiful city and I would hope a few wise folks figure out it's destiny.

The other thing that strikes me as odd is that most of my friends who own small business's have to be republican to survive. Just for that reason. Business. It has nothing to do with their humanitarian beliefs.

A country fucked into 2 choices and neither has a big enough dick to make a solid LOGICAL difference...

When will government be by the people for the people..???????

3 years ago today.

Been 3 years today since my ma died in the hospital on a quiet Saturday evening in Maryland. She'd been struggling with the will to live for a period of time. She stopped eating and became so weak she couldn't walk so off to the hospital she had to go. What turned into a nourishment visit ended in pneumonia and death. Hospitals are no place for the weak.

My mother always knew when to give me a push and in later years I tried to return the favor. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded but who's counting. It's hard not to become angry at times and I was more than angry on more than 1 occasion. When someone won't eat it's maddening but that's how it goes for a lot of folks.

One day she is semi lucid and the next she's pretty much out. My sis warned me what to expect before going in so I went straight to the liquor store and bought some Jim Beam before entering the automatic doors of life and death. Docs said on Tuesday she pretty much had a day or 2. They didn't know my mother. She was on morphine and nothing else and I think she was in her own little heaven before she took off. She lived on morphine and nothing else for 5 days! She hung on until Saturday evening around 5pm.

When the docs say a day or 2 you think, 'l'll just stay the whole time' so that's what I tried to do until I became a walking zombie. I finally took to going home at night and coming back 1st thing in the morning.

Saturday evening with just Ellie and me in the room the nurse said she thought it was time and sure enough it was. It was very peaceful. Few last breaths and then things stop. We walked out into the evening and it was surreal. No mother, no real direction. It's a relief on 1 hand but on the other you know you're at the bottom of a mountain and the top layer of snow is about to let loose. And it does. You slowly crawl out of the darkness and begin life without something. Time heals and if you're lucky you have good friends and family to help and I was very lucky.

I like the fact that your healed but you still have scars and those scars make you a better person. Empathy is easier than it ever was. I'm more sensitive than I ever was and I don't mind. If something moves me to tears it's a pleasure and not something to hide.

Cheers to my mom for all her wisdom and her faults.

Thomas Paine - Age of Reason

excerpts from  Thomas Paines 'Age of Reason'....My father turned me onto this only after I was old enough that he felt we had become like minded concerning the subject. He in no way, shape or form tried to strong arm his religious opinions on me....So here are some of the ideas that mean a lot to me and are highlighted in his copy of the book.
----------------------------
I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life.

I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavoring to make our fellow-creatures happy.

But, lest it should be supposed that I believe in many other things in addition to these, I shall, in the progress of this work, declare the things I do not believe, and my reasons for not believing them.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.

All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

I do not mean by this declaration to condemn those who believe otherwise; they have the same right to their belief as I have to mine. But it is necessary to the happiness of man, that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.

It is impossible to calculate the moral mischief, if I may so express it, that mental lying has produced in society. When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime. He takes up the trade of a priest for the sake of gain, and in order to qualify himself for that trade, he begins with a perjury. Can we conceive any thing more destructive to morality than this?

Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet, as if the way to God was not open to every man alike.

Each of those churches show certain books, which they call revelation, or the word of God. The Jews say, that their word of God was given by God to Moses, face to face; the Christians say, that their word of God came by divine inspiration: and the Turks say, that their word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from Heaven. Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all.

----------------
and so it goes. This book took this man from a person who was looked up too, who helped  the French and American revolution to somebody who died mostly condemned and broke. All I can say is I thank him and others like him for expressing their opinions in spite of the dangers those opinions brought. I think we need to be reminded of why folks got the fuck away from King George in the 1st place in spite of the danger. This one line from the Declaration of Independence rings of tolerance even though we didn't exactly tolerate the natives. I guess the founding fathers should have read their own writing....Anyway, this seems to be forgotten. ------- We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.------

It's officially beer-o-clock...Cheers

As my dad used to say...Shit or get offfff-aaaa the pot

Power and powerless..........Congress went on the last vacation without signing unemployment extension benefits. Not to bore you but what this means.....It means some folks won't get their dough and others will due to this vacation lapse. We're talking 1 fucking week. If you happen to run out of benefits in that 1 week you will not get the same benefit as somebody who didn't. 1 f'in week! I will set my alarm for 11.30pm Saturday night and walk into my spare room and disable this transaction that will effect the entire state of Nevada only to do the same thing next Saturday to re-enable it when they come back and vote to extend it. To say I'm disillusioned is an understatement. I wasn't so anti-govt until I got too close as a worker bee.


So it goes,,, the luck of the draw. Feels like the movie Cool Hand Luke...digging holes only to refill them a bit later just because ..

Logic, common sense and information does not enter into the minds of people who run this land......Re-election, money and more power is the drug..same as it's ever been. We're human I suppose and that's what a lot of weak folks strive for....Excuse me if I don't shake your hand.

Open up your eyes, see how lifetime flies........

What is life and what does it mean? Is it just doing time to get to the next step? Is it raising a family? Is it becoming rich? Could probably be all of the above. I'll be 48 this year and I haven't a clue. So much of it seems like such nonsense. When does something effect you so much that it effects you for a few days? I think my lack of spirituality is hurting me at this point in my existence but I'm sticking to my guns.



So many good books. Pick one. Even one and your divided 20 ways. I've listened to arguments at work over which is the real good book as if these morons would have a f'ing clue. So I'm not going the good book route. Never will. Mark these words for any who are around to see my last breath. Bend over as far as you can and stick that book sideways in your ass! No, I'm not angry at you but I am angry at what I see.



Just to give a little weight to how I feel, it's been a tough winter for me. No, I haven't been in battle or been burned over 90 percent of my body. Isn't it all relative? I started the winter doing something many have done...deciding when a living creatures life should end. One that is so unjudging and loving. Deciding when he should take his last breath. I did it and think it was correct but I will never forget. Sometimes I drive by the place and lose it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a pussy. Exactly 1 month ago my next door cubical neighbor decided he'd had enough. From what little details I know about it, he put some instructions out about what to do with his ashes and then he drove off to a secluded place and shot himself. A seemingly healthy 62 year old male with a wife and thriving son.



I sat as his service and watched his loved ones pour their souls out at losing this man. I remember walking out and telling my boss. 'Mary, Holy Fuck that was intesnse' and it was. No preachers. Just family and friends speaking of a loved one who could take no more.



Watch the news and you will see nothing but Wall Street swindlers and a Government who is so fucked up they will turn simple things into something so complicated. Our Govt. couldn't run a lemonade stand anywhere in America without issues. I will not go any further with this but the 2 people who read this know I work for the State Govt which is mainly controlled by the Feds. If you only knew how complicated they made it just to pay folks an extra year 1/2 you might feel my frustration.



If you've made it this far you're probably wondering where I'm going. I don't know. As of late I'm unable to find beauty in things. I know it will come back but for now the wheel that turns my life is untrue...It has hit a flat spot. I'm not suicidal but excuse me if I seem indifferent.



And for all you good bookers. Watch the history channel about now on any given night. You might be shocked to find there is debate to everything that's ever been written about your little Green Eggs and Gods Ham.......Sorry if I have a hard time with you trying to climb the afterlife ladder while your still on this one. It's sickening enough at work let alone......you get the idea.



Over and out...

ps....I'd just like to add if you're one of the f-nuts who think 1 side is superior to the other and feel enraged about politics....maybe its time to change the process. Big money controls everything and if you wanna argue Sarah Palin, go for it but you're wasting your time. The fucking process has to change. Repeat after me...The process has to change. Fuck your right and left. Maybe that will fit in your ass with the good book.

TCB

It's an interesting thing to make a Will. I never felt like I needed one until I bought this house. I put it off for 8 months and finally made and appointment so quickly that the lawyer thought surely I must be terminally ill. That's just how I operate. I can procrastinate something but when it hits me I fly. Turns out I had to answer questions I really couldn't answer. It reminded me a lot of computer programing...if, then else...over and over again. If my sisters die before me. I had never thought of that. I don't have much but that kinda thing falls into the parent category in that you would want to help the friends who need it most. Most of my friends don't need anything but upon my passing if I have anything left, who knows who might need a little boost.. The easiest part was the medical piece that dealt with,' do not resuscitate'. Fuck that!. I wanted a clause put in to just kill me if I stop being of any value at all but they wouldn't go for it. So as it stands now I will soon have a proper Will. Looking at this piece of paper with your name feels like a passing of the torch. Thinking that my folks had probably felt far more emotion knowing a child of theirs was going to have to deal didn't make it any easier. I feel kinda proud that I got it done. No idea why really. Sidebar 1 - after the first visit I had to give details of what to do with my ashes. This was fairly easy to figure out but in doing it I cried like a baby. I thought of my friends doing this task without me and it just affected me deeply. Sidebar 2 - They wanted a local person to be my, 'yes man' should I fall into a coma and Leslie would not be available. I asked J-mo and he was so quick to say yes!. I always felt he wanted to kill me but now I know it's true.

Making Memories

-------- My Story----------------
To say I've been looking forward to getting outta dodge for a few days to see Brian/Helen would be an understatement. We had tickets to the Todd Snider show downtown and they arranged a hotel so we could just park the car and be close to everything. Everything was on time concerning my flight and such but what was even more on time was this: they secretly booked a ticket for Leslie and arranged the flights so she would arrive 1/2 an hour before me. As I'm hugging Brian at the airport Leslie appears out of the corner of my eye. Unbelievable!
The thing is, Brian/Helen have never met Les except for a few emails and some facebook chatting but you wouldn't have known it. She fit in like she always does. We were whisked away to a nice lunch spot where the beers began. Then off to our room at the Ritz which they upgraded to a suite. Place was bigger than my house. Then the show...Then this, that and the other. If I told you I'd have to kill you and we wouldn't want that. Mentioned this next thing to Leslie during the weekend. I've been having flashbacks to some unpleasant things lately. Lasts maybe 2-3 seconds and passes. Enough to jolt your head in a slightly kinda , 'I found a good deal in Walmart' way... and now seeing her at that airport was such a surprise it's added into the flashbacks. Now that is therapy that doesn't come in a pill. Everything went off nicely and I suffered my usual 1st day excitement hangover as everyone has come to expect. This one involved puking and I'm sorry to the people who own the places I puked at. I won't name names. I was in good company though as Les had a nasty cold and the weather was crappy. Being silly and hangin inside with people you love is better than almost any excursion I can think of anyway. It was nice that we got to meet Andy as well. D and Joey also came by for some pizza and squeaky toy action. The usual success with a bonus and now I'm left with the usual depression that lasts a few days and passes. Thanks again for making things so easy and giving us memories that won't be takin away just yet. Last but not least we decided to come up with our own magazine so keep an eye out for, 'Douchebag weekly'...It will feature folks we think have either nothing to offer or their douchebagness overrides anything good about them. 1st edition will feature John Mayer. 2nd edition will feature Google who want's more money just to upload some pics to their online picasa that suks ass and has known issues. So you will have to wait for the flicker photos to upload.


---------Leslie's Story------------
Leaving Las Dallas

Today at 9:02pm

This past weekend was surely special to me because I was able to see my brother after a year and he didn't know about it's plan. Scott's good bud, Brian and I started chatting online months ago occasionally and in December he came up with the idea to get me down to Dallas to meet them as they were set to see a Todd Snider show and this would be a surprise to Scott. I'd never met Brian nor his wife Helen but have heard great things about them for years. As buds they've been through a lot together and Scott has always held them in very high regard with big love in telling me about their adventures over time.

As we were working out details over weeks, I was scrambling to figure out cashflow and arrangements. Brian was working out the plane ticket one evening with me online, and when I went to give him my credit card, he just sent me the ticket already PAID and said “Buy me a beer”..That was all he said and all he wanted to chat about...OMG! He was short on words and long on getting it done with sweetness.

As the weeks got closer, we never planned how to surprise Scott in any details at the airport nor did we over-think it too much. Scott and I were talking once in awhile, but not that much... a few days before he left for Dallas I asked him again what he was doing.. He told me all the fun details he, Brian and Helen were gonna get into; he was so excited to get away from work and just be with them. I wrote Brian after I talked to Scott that night and said “HE HAS NOOO IDEA”.. I was getting more excited about it... as good, organized surprises with travel aren't always easy and this seemed to be a really good one.

So I landed in Dallas after having been blessed with 2 things: 1. Accidentally sitting in the wrong assigned seat and 2.... meeting a great dude in that seat who I hit it off with as we talked about cool stuff for a good hour or more... It was an immediate comfort.. awhile in the convo it turns out he regularly gets Acupuncture and he told me how much it's helped him in his life in wonderful detail, and also his kids who he turned onto it. We talked about lots of cool life stuff—even quite personal things easily as if we'd knew each other for much longer than a few hours. (Get 2 Fire CF's together and this comes easy) We stayed quiet and read the rest of the time. We said respectful goodbyes and I truly got some gifts from this man; was glad I met him cuz he's been through some darkness, turned it around and is a positive dude who is on a contagious mission to enjoy a happy, healthy life...what a great flying mate!

When I landed I got a few words via text from Brian about where to meet him and Helen.. we met, hugged our fast, first hellos and they swooped me up and drove through the maze of the airport to meet Scott at his gate that Brian had figured out brilliantly to work efficiently on time. As we were waiting for Scott, I wanted to hide behind a wall or something to give him time to see them. Suddenly, he was outside and the barely planned plan was thrown out .. They ran out to meet Scott on the street as I watched from a window about 50 feet away. And this was the coolest part to me.. I started walking toward them and I got to witness my brother greet his adored friends as a fly on the wall and take that moment in. I got the gift of paying attention to this moment. I got to see how happy he was living his life in that moment, and how happy they were to see him. As I walked closer my chest started burning because my heart broke open... As I got closer and looked at Scott, I was sure he would feel my gaze and find me—it felt like I was burning holes in his head, but because he wasn't looking for me, he didn't.

He looked so familiar as if I'd just seen him yesterday and I stayed a fly on the wall watching his happy face talk to his friends. Then I moved in and stood in their little circle and stared at him. When he saw me, he jumped back about 6 feet in shock. He couldn't compute it right away.. and when he did we hugged hard and then he yelled “This is my baaaaabbby sisssttterrrr!” to Brian and Helen as if they didn't know..hahahah. He hugged Brian..I was choked up the whole time... He was too a bit.

This moment was pure joy to me!

I miss Scott daily as he's the closest family I have left and we know each other better and deeper than anyone else. I think I keep that “missing” him underneath in my heart because I won't be able to see him much and I don't want to hurt too much. ...To be with him in this moment brought back every sense of Family and that kind of Love right back.. And being with Brian and Helen was just like family too; it was so comfortable as if we'd been friends for years.. it was so good and easy.

Waking up Saturday morning and looking for Scott in the house felt like I was 10 yrs old again on Christmas morning...and getting to the bottom of the steps to greet him already having coffee was oddly, probably the best part of all. And this could NOT have been if it weren't for Brian and Helen's thoughtfulness and gifting in planning this little weekend get together.

Brian and Helen did so much to create a great weekend.. I don't think I can repay them. We had at least 2 more blogs worth of fun, silliness, debauchery, good talks, good music and coziness all together. It was so special.... Suffice to say that I am deeply grateful for it all!

Cheers and Love to Brian, Helen and Scott for a great weekend!


The action
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/srussel459/sets/72157623207424417/

Amos Lee - Dreamin

"Dreamin'"

My soul,
is as open as the sky.
Often time,
it's just as blue.
People tell me,
I need to keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

Now everybody,
wanna treat me like a house fly.
Turn me around,
and tell me to shoo.
Wanna tell me,
keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

'Cause every moral,
has a story.
Every hand needs a glove.
Sometimes it's full of glory.
Oh, but mostly, it's for the love.
It's the love..
Mmm..

It's the love.
It's the love that pulls me through.
'Cause when they tell me,
keep on dreamin'.
Thats just what I'm, I'm gonna, thats just what I'm gonna do.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTrcYXdhxTQ

A year and a thought

Another year has said goodbye. In reflection I'm not sure how to rate it. Mostly good I think. It scares me to think of how fast it passed by. It seems like just yesterday Leslie and Ellie were out to celebrate Christmas and New Years. The super bowl is also right around the corner and it's hard to believe Brian/Helen were out to visit then. 1 year in time. As for me I'm still trying to co-exist with myself in some fashion between harmony/sorrow/anger/happiness. You know, life. Nobody gets out alive. Balancing emotions tied to memories in a world that mostly seems to be going so fast. I heard a quote yesterday from a movie and it says, 'Every day is a new problem to solve'. Time, loss and problem resolution. This leads me to something else that I recently discovered on the Biography channel.....A biography of Silo(pen name) who spoke of Existentialism and Humanism. To make a short story even shorter is that it struck me so powerfully that I began to see myself and the people I know in slightly different ways. In ways that don't define right/wrong. Each of us has to make sense of this place while we are here. I suppose I've always seen people mostly this way but now I had a real definition. When I look at my friends and myself we all do it differently. Having this belief allows people the wiggle room they need to find meaning without judging them so harshly. It seems that society as I know it wants to define what our life's meaning should be and I say, Bullshit!. Society doesn't like it if you're not wearing the right jeans, playing the popular music and worshiping the same god but my friends don't seem to mind. A lot of people think you're going straight to hell if you don't believe exactly as they do. How does this make for a compassionate person if you think the other 3/4 of the world is going to burn regardless of which extreme belief you choose. How can you worship a god who would do this? Ohhh nooo, something is wrong with you if you happen to show weakness as well. I'll be the 1st to confess that each loss I suffer at this point carries some of the weight of the ones before it. I didn't realize how powerful this was until December 2nd which is the day I had to put Reily down. I can't imagine what a young solider has to deal with trying to resolve what he/she has seen with a world that mostly cannot know. If you've made it this far chances are you've lost some loved ones, lost jobs, lost confidence and you will be weak at times. Maybe with the economy changing we will come together and help each other a little more. Silo seems to think that people will come together regardless of the institutions that fail and I hope he's right. Cheers to my friends for being the individuals that you are.

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Existentialism - A Definition
Existentialism in the broader sense is a 20th century philosophy that is centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world. The notion is that humans exist first and then each individual spends a lifetime changing their essence or nature.

In simpler terms, existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. The belief is that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook. And personal choices become unique without the necessity of an objective form of truth. An existentialist believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

Another definition: A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

Brian/Helen

This is Brian and Helen. I will finish this post in time but this picture sums up a lot that really doesn't need to be said. We're like the 3 amigos....You start with a friendship and maybe there are some rocky times but if you make it through it seems to become stronger. So we became stronger and over the course of time I've been involved in important times in both of their lives and them mine. Weddings, Funerals and Vegas. If that doesn't make you close nothing will. Vegas is a great place to forget and remember all at the same time. I love these 2 people. Merry Christmas to you guys and your families.

Reily...(R.I.P)

I had to put my baby to sleep yesterday...He just ran out of steam...Today is the 1st day coming home without him running out to greet me and its killing me as I type. He was such a gentle little guy. Always. He wouldn't hurt a flee. He had a long and good life and I'm thankful I got to spend the last few months with him. I will refine this post gradually as I'm able but for now this is it. I plan to add our videos here too.....I miss you bug....

ps..the pic of him in the chair with the bag was during Halloween...This was a bag full of candy and he helped me give it out....

our vids
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http://www.vimeo.com/8008561
http://www.vimeo.com/7743947
http://www.vimeo.com/7479928
http://www.vimeo.com/7230076
http://www.vimeo.com/6875480

Since we loved this song...here it is again.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qz3VcLv2kQ&feature=channel

Reily came into my life in March of 1996. I was away on an adventure and Amy decided to get some company for Miss Maggie. When I got home he was still small enough to walk under her belly. I had been layed off from a job and had some time on my hands so I used to take the 2 of them into the woods for hikes. They were both slow enough running that I never put a leash on because I could chase them down. We got into a routine of waiting about 50 feet from the road and I'd pick them up. All I'd have to say is, 'pick em up' and they'd stop and wait. He kept that habit until his last days. At 1st I thought having 2 dogs would be tough but he learned so quickly and I think Maggie was a big part of that. She was always the bully and he the chicken little. He never did catch on to the bully thing. As time went on they might as well have been one dog they were so easy to live with. Maggie passed in May of 2004 but as luck would have it somebody had given Amy another Maltese and although she is no Maggie she was still company for my little dude. Another shock for the both of us was when I moved back to Maryland in the same year. He lost his big sister and his daddy but as more luck would have it he had a wonderful granddaddy in Albert. Albert loved him much as we did. When I'd come visit he still seemed to know me but so much time had passed it was different as time went on. Skip forward to summer of 2009. He had started to fail somewhat at this point. He'd lost a lot of his vision and being around a kid and other dogs was causing him panic attacks. Amy called and asked what I thought so on August 27, 2009 (Albert's Birthday) she and Big Al brought him to me an although I know it hurt her deeply to let him go she also knew she had no choice. I figured he could stay with me and see how it went. We had a shaky start but he seemed to figure out my house. He put on some weight and seemed to be happy. I knew he didn't have long and was surprised that he lived as long as he did. Long enough for us to get reacquainted and that to me makes all of this grieving worth it. If you don't grieve a loss how can you appreciate what you have....? The newsroom is still quiet tonight but I have those good memories and I know Amy and Albert do too. 1 last thing. I think dogs know something about when their time is near. Maggie waited(I'll use waited as that is what they seem to do) until both Amy and I were away and she died in her sleep next to Albert. She snuggled up and passed away and I think she knew that neither one of us could handle it. I also think Reily found just enough energy to live long enough for us to reacquaint. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.