These tpx(instant messaging) exchanges took place while working during the early 90's. I had the good fortune to work with a very funny guy who shall remain nameless. All these messages were sent to me by him during working hours. Imagine that.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message: 3/09/93 10:31:21
DR. Kvorician is setting up his suicide machine in the lobby. Did you sign up yet? I'm just going for the lobotomy special he's offering, maybe that will take my mind off things.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message: 11/06/90 11:13:45
Last night, I had a dream where Sue and Dee Dee were dancing around naked in a field of oats or barley or some sort of grain. Its all kinda vague....and i swear, I think i had a wheat dream!!!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message 02/17/93 16:28:26
(This was prompted by our disgust of the cubical life and we were trying to come up with something else)
I've made a few calls about mowing. I've got the Camden Yards and RFK contracts and I just put a bid in to mow Ireland.
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message 12/05/91 15:27:04
dust ye came from and dust ye shall end up as you cannot hide from the dirt devil though you hide in the cracks and crevices of others.
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message 06/05/91 09:48:08
Oh worldly man. Jesus said "Give to him who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back." Does this apply to cassette tapes, or was he just talking about sandals and togas. Or was He just kidding? Did he really say this? Why would He say this It is a most difficult thing to follow. If you created a religion, would you make it this tough. If you ever become a disciple, can I have your truck?
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message 04/23/92 10:41:23
With all this abortion talk, I've decided not to play tennis this weekend with my doubles partner, Fetus Guerulitas.
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message 02/25/93
Since you're single now, going through some changes, you should try going gay for a month, if you don't like it, try going Bi, you can always return to your first love, unless you become adickted.
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message 03/08/93 13:39:46
What is Scott's favorite lubricant? Survey says.......KY. The most popular answer.........spit.
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message 03/08/93 13:37:51
Scott Russel heads to the penalty box again. Apparently he was called for working without enthusiasm for the third time this game. It looks like there might be something up his ass, but from the booth, it's hard to tell.
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message 02/17/93 09:54:29
"Women" .... Yak-a-yak-a-yak, they call 'em the yackers. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to have my ear drums removed.
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message 12/18/91 13:11:15
Can't you see I'm evolving. I need water, time, and peace and quite to speed the process along. I'm doing in one day what the cro-magnon man did in 20 million years.
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message 12/02/91 16:43:50
And Rubeth begat Jethtoe, and Jethtoe begat Reemon, and Reemon begat Hairlip, and Hairlip begat Jaspeth, and Jaspeth begat Seth, and Seth begat Harry, and Harry begat Scott, and Scott could not beget, for his implant was defective and his seed was sparse, and they swam not. Leviticus 8:19
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message 09/27/91 10:58:23
Scott, I had a six-pack of palm oil last night with caster oil shooters. Don't try this unless you're wearing the new Fram Liver filter and bladder control huggies.
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message 11/14/91 12:45:12
You're a cynical sinner. Be ye born again, and you too can use "be ye" in sentences like me. Just try saying "Verily, verily" to start a sentence....it can't be done. If you become a Christian, phrases like this will roll for your tongue. I too can teach you to breathe heavily after every word spoken. Send $19.99 to P.O.Box 5478, Boyds, MD for the home study kit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message 08/30/91 15:50:30
Scott, after all of our discussions, I've changed my mind. Now I see that we are but small drops of water in a vast ocean of love consciousness. It is only by merging with other drops that we can find ourselves and thus be whole, and be a part of the great love spirit. Love is the key, Love is the Way. Come run naked with me through the halls of B wing proclaiming the truth. Maybe some babes will join us and we will have wet oneness.
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message 08/12/91 14:37:43
When summer ends and the cool fall winds blow, then I will rise up and my scorching serve will blow by your flailing arms. You shall race from one end of the court of concrete in vain to return the balls of yellow. Your feet will ache, your confidence will wither, and you will sweat the sweat of a broken man. For the spirit of Bjorn Borg is upon me. Wiboltonias 4:18
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message 11/14/91 13:14:19
When you get to heaven, you get 5 weeks vacation the first year. I think I will spend a few weeks snorkeling in Australia with Miss Universe, then do some volunteer work at the Bikini Open in Miami for one week. Then it's back to Heaven where I work part-time with the cloud machines. What kind of benefits does Hell offer? The commute is Hell, the hours are Hell, the work is Hell.
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message 02/01/93 16:40:01
Remember when life was simpler. We got up, went hunting, ate Woolly Mammoth burgers, played with our things, drew on cave walls, discovered fire, took naps, played with our dangly parts, wrestled, drank the blood of our enemies, played with our naughty parts, created the wheel, rubbed our engorged tingly parts. Life was good.
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message 02/16/93 15:32:24
("Asked if he had sex this weekend......")_ We started on Saturday night and didn't stop until this morning at 5am. I'm sore and I'm sure she'll never walk again......How 'bout you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message 08/14/91 10:50:18
Scott, I asked God last night to check your file. Apparently you're right, you have no purpose, you must have slipped through the crack. You can apply for a pupose by calling 1-800-678-4141, until then, continue to wander aimlessly through the Earth.
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message 08/22/91 16:56:43
As He preached that the Kingdom of Heaven was at hand, many repented of their sins, and believed, and that day 3000 were saved. Later that same day, He came upon Scottius the sandal maker's son. The boy would not repent, nor believe, but only asked what his purpose was....why was he here and why there was so much evil in the world? The Lord told him to look into the heavens, and as he did, the Lord kicked him in the groin, and went on to Galilee.
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message 09/26/90 16:38:49
Health Fair Schedule:
10am cholesterol check
11am blood pressure testing
1pm clothing optional message
2pm fun with bananas (BYOB)
3pm aerobics
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message 10/18/90 14:07:32
Can you find out what Dee Dee uses for hemorrhoid flare-up? The hot wax treatment you recommended does east the pain, but the wick tickles me so!!
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message 10/02/90 08:49:58
I don't want to make any excuses about last night's tennis, you were just too good. However, I wasn't feeling 100%. Just before the match, I donated both my kidneys to the Will Roger's Foundation. Over the weekend, I had some eye work done, i.e. removal of my cataracts, a cornea transplant; however they broke my glass eye when they were polishing it. I couldn't serve, knowing the kidnappers still had my family. I don't want to make any excuses, you know, but....
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message 11/27/91 11:00:10
As our special Thanksgiving guest, we would like to have you lead us in saying grace, Ralph's mother said to Scott. As we all looked over to Scott, he had already finished his meal, and was sitting in the lazy-boy drinking beer and watching the Detroit game. That was the last time the devil-boy was invited.
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message 10/01/90 12:10:00
I am he whometh the prophets spoke long ago. Oh little town of South Bendia, out of you shall be born one whose hair receedeth greatly, yet he braideth not his nasal hairs. He shall walk upright and eat wild hickory nuts and spam sandwiches. Wise men will seek his council, women will sperm him, yet he will not blister easily. He hath no beginning , and hath no end, he hath no thecond therve. egeekial 7:21-23
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message 12/19/91 17:42:12
Thank you for listening to the Gospel Hour of Hope. Our Pastor, the Reverend Scott Russel's message entitled "God is my conscience" is available on 8-track tape for only $9.95. If you would like some of his other sermons, such as "I will run nude through Hell", and his conversion message "Grandma, will you stop that damn babbling" they too are available for a limited time only. Bless you and tune in tomorrow. Goodnight.
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message 11/18/91 14:48:00
The warranty on your brain expires at the end of the year. Would you like to renew your maintenance agreement? We could replace that cerebrum with a brand new NAPA semi-permeable translucent cerebrum at very little cost. And that tumor in your head that causes you to react violently when Biblical truth is spoken, can be removed with a Hoover upright with the proper attachment.
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message 10/28/91 14:01:51
Gene-man playing the hanky panky with the mallet, with another mans woman. This is a direct violation of the rule 41B of the international rules of croquet etiquette. He could have poked her a mallets head length away from her bulbous region, or upon hitting her, he could have placed both balls in his hand and declared his intentions. The penalty----3 deep knee bends to the red stripe on the nearest stake.
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message 04/09/91 15:12:32
And the Lord said unto Scotty the shepherd boy "Go from hence, for the sheep are sore and in need of rest, go find pleasure in the Nubian woman Tamara, or today, if is behests you. Heed the words I speak, for lo, I am with you always, my son."
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Save me, I'm drowning here in a sea of boredom, with waves of depression, the under-toe of life is taking me farther out. I must find an island in this ocean of emptiness. .....I feel so nautical today....nauty, nauty, nauty.
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message
In helping me to understand why you get hostile toward the gospel, may I ask you a few questions? Have you ever been beaten up by Baptists? Has a priest fondled you in the last 6 months? Do you have fantasies about nuns? Did Jimmy Swaggert sleep with your first love? Or is it because you're the Devil Boy?
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message 10/17/91 09:13:16
I wish the games were closer, I would do much better if we played without a net. However, not to make excuses, my mind was on the starving children of Ethiopia, especially my foster child Makimbo, who is suffering from a bad intestinal virus.
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message 08/21/92 14:36:44
When the sun turns to blood and the north wind rains fire and I buy a new pair of sneakers, then we shall play tennis and turn our plowshares into weapons of volleying hell. From the bowels of the earth, the yellow balls will spring forth, bearing the name Penn 6 for casual play. Carl Sandburg 1946
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message 02/25/93 13:38:23
I'm one of them, soon the crocuses will be out, and then the hibiscuses will bloom. I love the bright forsythias, I have a ton of them. My father gave me some pussy willows, I hope they take this year. Just bought a summer dress for myself, I won't wear a slip, just for you, and you can capture my form in the late afternoon sun, as my breast cry out for you.
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message 02/25/93 15:52:54
I just bought Standard Federal from the RTC, so......Friday will be Pantie Day....and the Lighthouse Bar will be moved to the atrium.
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message 09/28/90 10:29:02
No Money-No Bills=Nothing
Big Money-Big Bills=Nothing
No Money-Big Bills=Deep Guanno
Big Money-No Bills=Nirvana
Seek my son for the latter, for in this you will find peace and tranquility for your inner soul, and the young maidens will pitch their tent upon your loins.
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message 09/28/90 16:27:43
Scott, I'd like to invite you to the Colonfest we have every fall in Boyds. I'll be running the fiber fudge booth from noon till three. After that we can have all the Schlitz malt-liquor-bran-yeast-infected beer we can guzzle down. Thank God I'm a country boy. RSVP.
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message 08/30/91 16:21:23
Scott was numb, he reached into his camping pouch and threw out some TPX messages from the prophet Ralpho. He laughed and turned to the heavenly host and said "This is good shit", and he repented of his sin. And Scott was greeted by all the people he had talked badly about in ignorance. And after ripping his eyes out, they greeted him with love.
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message 05/04/93 10:45:47
When someones comes to my cube and just starts chatting about every day uneventful things, I end up turning my back to them and pretend I'm working. Listening half-heartily until they leave. I should mace them or release a lingering fart.
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message 11/13/91 10:46:21
One of the most interesting developments in evolution were the eyes. About 2 billion years ago the first eye appeared. It was not until the head evolved did it have any practical use. With the development of the nose, there came a place for the eyes to be centered about. The nose also ushered in the evolution of the index finger, for it was continually getting clogged by volcanic dust. Any questions.
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message 11/19/91 13:25:28
The world will be coming to an end shortly, please make all the necessary preparations. All cynics should go to Gate B where you will pick up your boarding passes to Hell. Remember they are non-returnable and flame retardant. Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker will be in the caboose to sign autographs and will be open to public ridicule.
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message 12/04/91 11:17:19
At Ralph's clona-rama we'll give you our charges up front:
Basic Clone=$25
Clone Consultation $50/hour
Clonilingus=$100
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message 08/13/91 15:23:31
"Hold on a gol darn minute. You mean to tell me that if I play this game of baseball, and I'm at bat and I get three strikes on me, the ump is gonna call me out and my turn at bat is over? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna play. Who made these rules, and why should I be punished for not hitting the ball? I tried my best. There should be no such rule, bat till you drop, that's what I say." Jesus said as he stomped back to the dugout in disgust.
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message 03/09/93 09:10:54
I was so much happier as an amoeba, I should have never evolved. But maybe I evolved back then because I wasn't that happy. I was lonely, I should have never listened to that protozoa propaganda.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message 02/09/93 10:39:46
Man made the skis and cut down the trees and built the lodge and brewed the beer and spun the tight spandex ski-0outfits and engineered the vehicle to get to the mountains of snow. Praise man.
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message
Scott, in a couple days the Waco Jesus impostor will be shot dead. The church will be taking applications to fill the position. They are looking for someone who is a single white heterosexual male around 30-40 years of age. Babbling in tongues and fondling snakes is a plus. If you have had any deep thoughts and have a clean driving record, please apply. It would have been mine, all mine....had it not been for the lemon-lime. (got a dwi after 1 too many lemon drop shooters)
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message
I really want to return to my mother's womb. I so loved the early days.
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message 03/08/93
I was inspired this weekend. I just finished a book for deaf children, it's called 'Martin's Fartin'
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message 02/09/93 09:31:12
I heard you were in an avalanche and had to eat Jo to survive. Any truth to that?
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message 07/15/91 11:36:34
Do not lay up for yourselves treaures upon earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there will you heart be also. JC-----This better be true, it better not be a bad translation , or I'm gonna be pissed off in the end, or I'm gonna be dead and never know (only kidding).
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message 12/16/92 10:38:08
On an IEBCUMIN, you can limit the number of sperm by using the Ball=1 statement, try it.
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message 10/04/90 14:42:55
Scott, I just ran the data on my abacus and our figures are correct. I will stand by them, yes-em, yes-em, mister russel, yes-em
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message 07/25/91 10:25:15
I haven't used COBOL in so long, ever since that revelation from God. He saith unto me "Believeth thou in my Son, follow His teachings carefully, and He will teach you to program by faith, using Jeezytrieve" (easytrieve is a programming language)
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message 12/17/91 13:37:36
We have come in peace, take us to your master record.
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message 03/02/93 14:48:37 (fmuitl05 is a file compression routine)
I just digitized my wife and ran her through FMUTIL05, she looks mah-vou-lous but she's a little down. I sent her to a shrink, and he said she was just going through a mild compression.
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05/20/93 14:37:01
The TIME command. Type in TIME and press enter to get the current time. I wrote some new RPF commands:
TIMEH-tells how much time you have left here before you can go home
TIMEG-accumulates all the time you dream about being somewhere else
TIMEP-calculates the time you have wasted on your career here
TIMEX-calculates how much time you will spend in Hell, less the time here
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message 08/12/92 15:58:33
I'm allowed 3 timeouts, and 1 substitution. There is a 5 minute major penalty for high dicking.
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message 05/17/93 15:19:52 (concerning community hours spent after getting a dwi)
There must be 50 ways to build a rat cage. 50 ways, to build a rat cage. Rotate the card board, Lord. Slap on that screen, Gene. Just one more staple, Mable. Four hours to go, Moe. Stack em up high, Eli. Will it ever enda, Brenda. There must be 50 ways to build your rat cage.
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message 08/04/92 10:42:51
I need a change. Will you hire me on to be the bathroom attendant at your townhome? I have references.
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message 05/18/93 13:42:14
I would like to take this opportunity to announce the promotion of Ralph McGee to "Vice-President of Peon Development". Anyone whose career is going nowhere at SFS or who is finding it impossible to find a job on the outside will report directly to him on Monday. His expertise in lateral moves, paycuts, EZ-trieve, acquisitions, procrastination and use of the TIME command, makes him the ideal candidate for the position.
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message 08/12/92 15:32:16
How often do I do it? Just once a week. I start on Friday after the kids are in bed, and don't pull out until 60 Minutes is on Sunday night. I've got her to switch over to Quaker State, so we might be able to go till Monday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------message 05/17/93 16:12:26
Trojan uses me as the mold for their Japenese condoms. It pays well, but I hate the hot wax.
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unknown date
If need job
perform learn-new-technology
perform new-technology-job-search
if find new-technology-job
perform dance-of-joy
perform dedicate-life-to-job until years = 2
end-if
else
kick head for wasting time
perform alternatives
end-if.
Alternatives.
Perform look-for-cobol-job
Perform try-something-new
If get COBOL job
subtract 1 from hope
if get-job and years > 2 or mileage > 50 and hope > 0
Perform look-for-job
end-if
end-if.
Try-something-new.
If ws-not-happy
perform try-something-new
until you-are-happy or dead.
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