TCB

It's an interesting thing to make a Will. I never felt like I needed one until I bought this house. I put it off for 8 months and finally made and appointment so quickly that the lawyer thought surely I must be terminally ill. That's just how I operate. I can procrastinate something but when it hits me I fly. Turns out I had to answer questions I really couldn't answer. It reminded me a lot of computer programing...if, then else...over and over again. If my sisters die before me. I had never thought of that. I don't have much but that kinda thing falls into the parent category in that you would want to help the friends who need it most. Most of my friends don't need anything but upon my passing if I have anything left, who knows who might need a little boost.. The easiest part was the medical piece that dealt with,' do not resuscitate'. Fuck that!. I wanted a clause put in to just kill me if I stop being of any value at all but they wouldn't go for it. So as it stands now I will soon have a proper Will. Looking at this piece of paper with your name feels like a passing of the torch. Thinking that my folks had probably felt far more emotion knowing a child of theirs was going to have to deal didn't make it any easier. I feel kinda proud that I got it done. No idea why really. Sidebar 1 - after the first visit I had to give details of what to do with my ashes. This was fairly easy to figure out but in doing it I cried like a baby. I thought of my friends doing this task without me and it just affected me deeply. Sidebar 2 - They wanted a local person to be my, 'yes man' should I fall into a coma and Leslie would not be available. I asked J-mo and he was so quick to say yes!. I always felt he wanted to kill me but now I know it's true.

Making Memories

-------- My Story----------------
To say I've been looking forward to getting outta dodge for a few days to see Brian/Helen would be an understatement. We had tickets to the Todd Snider show downtown and they arranged a hotel so we could just park the car and be close to everything. Everything was on time concerning my flight and such but what was even more on time was this: they secretly booked a ticket for Leslie and arranged the flights so she would arrive 1/2 an hour before me. As I'm hugging Brian at the airport Leslie appears out of the corner of my eye. Unbelievable!
The thing is, Brian/Helen have never met Les except for a few emails and some facebook chatting but you wouldn't have known it. She fit in like she always does. We were whisked away to a nice lunch spot where the beers began. Then off to our room at the Ritz which they upgraded to a suite. Place was bigger than my house. Then the show...Then this, that and the other. If I told you I'd have to kill you and we wouldn't want that. Mentioned this next thing to Leslie during the weekend. I've been having flashbacks to some unpleasant things lately. Lasts maybe 2-3 seconds and passes. Enough to jolt your head in a slightly kinda , 'I found a good deal in Walmart' way... and now seeing her at that airport was such a surprise it's added into the flashbacks. Now that is therapy that doesn't come in a pill. Everything went off nicely and I suffered my usual 1st day excitement hangover as everyone has come to expect. This one involved puking and I'm sorry to the people who own the places I puked at. I won't name names. I was in good company though as Les had a nasty cold and the weather was crappy. Being silly and hangin inside with people you love is better than almost any excursion I can think of anyway. It was nice that we got to meet Andy as well. D and Joey also came by for some pizza and squeaky toy action. The usual success with a bonus and now I'm left with the usual depression that lasts a few days and passes. Thanks again for making things so easy and giving us memories that won't be takin away just yet. Last but not least we decided to come up with our own magazine so keep an eye out for, 'Douchebag weekly'...It will feature folks we think have either nothing to offer or their douchebagness overrides anything good about them. 1st edition will feature John Mayer. 2nd edition will feature Google who want's more money just to upload some pics to their online picasa that suks ass and has known issues. So you will have to wait for the flicker photos to upload.


---------Leslie's Story------------
Leaving Las Dallas

Today at 9:02pm

This past weekend was surely special to me because I was able to see my brother after a year and he didn't know about it's plan. Scott's good bud, Brian and I started chatting online months ago occasionally and in December he came up with the idea to get me down to Dallas to meet them as they were set to see a Todd Snider show and this would be a surprise to Scott. I'd never met Brian nor his wife Helen but have heard great things about them for years. As buds they've been through a lot together and Scott has always held them in very high regard with big love in telling me about their adventures over time.

As we were working out details over weeks, I was scrambling to figure out cashflow and arrangements. Brian was working out the plane ticket one evening with me online, and when I went to give him my credit card, he just sent me the ticket already PAID and said “Buy me a beer”..That was all he said and all he wanted to chat about...OMG! He was short on words and long on getting it done with sweetness.

As the weeks got closer, we never planned how to surprise Scott in any details at the airport nor did we over-think it too much. Scott and I were talking once in awhile, but not that much... a few days before he left for Dallas I asked him again what he was doing.. He told me all the fun details he, Brian and Helen were gonna get into; he was so excited to get away from work and just be with them. I wrote Brian after I talked to Scott that night and said “HE HAS NOOO IDEA”.. I was getting more excited about it... as good, organized surprises with travel aren't always easy and this seemed to be a really good one.

So I landed in Dallas after having been blessed with 2 things: 1. Accidentally sitting in the wrong assigned seat and 2.... meeting a great dude in that seat who I hit it off with as we talked about cool stuff for a good hour or more... It was an immediate comfort.. awhile in the convo it turns out he regularly gets Acupuncture and he told me how much it's helped him in his life in wonderful detail, and also his kids who he turned onto it. We talked about lots of cool life stuff—even quite personal things easily as if we'd knew each other for much longer than a few hours. (Get 2 Fire CF's together and this comes easy) We stayed quiet and read the rest of the time. We said respectful goodbyes and I truly got some gifts from this man; was glad I met him cuz he's been through some darkness, turned it around and is a positive dude who is on a contagious mission to enjoy a happy, healthy life...what a great flying mate!

When I landed I got a few words via text from Brian about where to meet him and Helen.. we met, hugged our fast, first hellos and they swooped me up and drove through the maze of the airport to meet Scott at his gate that Brian had figured out brilliantly to work efficiently on time. As we were waiting for Scott, I wanted to hide behind a wall or something to give him time to see them. Suddenly, he was outside and the barely planned plan was thrown out .. They ran out to meet Scott on the street as I watched from a window about 50 feet away. And this was the coolest part to me.. I started walking toward them and I got to witness my brother greet his adored friends as a fly on the wall and take that moment in. I got the gift of paying attention to this moment. I got to see how happy he was living his life in that moment, and how happy they were to see him. As I walked closer my chest started burning because my heart broke open... As I got closer and looked at Scott, I was sure he would feel my gaze and find me—it felt like I was burning holes in his head, but because he wasn't looking for me, he didn't.

He looked so familiar as if I'd just seen him yesterday and I stayed a fly on the wall watching his happy face talk to his friends. Then I moved in and stood in their little circle and stared at him. When he saw me, he jumped back about 6 feet in shock. He couldn't compute it right away.. and when he did we hugged hard and then he yelled “This is my baaaaabbby sisssttterrrr!” to Brian and Helen as if they didn't know..hahahah. He hugged Brian..I was choked up the whole time... He was too a bit.

This moment was pure joy to me!

I miss Scott daily as he's the closest family I have left and we know each other better and deeper than anyone else. I think I keep that “missing” him underneath in my heart because I won't be able to see him much and I don't want to hurt too much. ...To be with him in this moment brought back every sense of Family and that kind of Love right back.. And being with Brian and Helen was just like family too; it was so comfortable as if we'd been friends for years.. it was so good and easy.

Waking up Saturday morning and looking for Scott in the house felt like I was 10 yrs old again on Christmas morning...and getting to the bottom of the steps to greet him already having coffee was oddly, probably the best part of all. And this could NOT have been if it weren't for Brian and Helen's thoughtfulness and gifting in planning this little weekend get together.

Brian and Helen did so much to create a great weekend.. I don't think I can repay them. We had at least 2 more blogs worth of fun, silliness, debauchery, good talks, good music and coziness all together. It was so special.... Suffice to say that I am deeply grateful for it all!

Cheers and Love to Brian, Helen and Scott for a great weekend!


The action
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/srussel459/sets/72157623207424417/

Amos Lee - Dreamin

"Dreamin'"

My soul,
is as open as the sky.
Often time,
it's just as blue.
People tell me,
I need to keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

Now everybody,
wanna treat me like a house fly.
Turn me around,
and tell me to shoo.
Wanna tell me,
keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

'Cause every moral,
has a story.
Every hand needs a glove.
Sometimes it's full of glory.
Oh, but mostly, it's for the love.
It's the love..
Mmm..

It's the love.
It's the love that pulls me through.
'Cause when they tell me,
keep on dreamin'.
Thats just what I'm, I'm gonna, thats just what I'm gonna do.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTrcYXdhxTQ

A year and a thought

Another year has said goodbye. In reflection I'm not sure how to rate it. Mostly good I think. It scares me to think of how fast it passed by. It seems like just yesterday Leslie and Ellie were out to celebrate Christmas and New Years. The super bowl is also right around the corner and it's hard to believe Brian/Helen were out to visit then. 1 year in time. As for me I'm still trying to co-exist with myself in some fashion between harmony/sorrow/anger/happiness. You know, life. Nobody gets out alive. Balancing emotions tied to memories in a world that mostly seems to be going so fast. I heard a quote yesterday from a movie and it says, 'Every day is a new problem to solve'. Time, loss and problem resolution. This leads me to something else that I recently discovered on the Biography channel.....A biography of Silo(pen name) who spoke of Existentialism and Humanism. To make a short story even shorter is that it struck me so powerfully that I began to see myself and the people I know in slightly different ways. In ways that don't define right/wrong. Each of us has to make sense of this place while we are here. I suppose I've always seen people mostly this way but now I had a real definition. When I look at my friends and myself we all do it differently. Having this belief allows people the wiggle room they need to find meaning without judging them so harshly. It seems that society as I know it wants to define what our life's meaning should be and I say, Bullshit!. Society doesn't like it if you're not wearing the right jeans, playing the popular music and worshiping the same god but my friends don't seem to mind. A lot of people think you're going straight to hell if you don't believe exactly as they do. How does this make for a compassionate person if you think the other 3/4 of the world is going to burn regardless of which extreme belief you choose. How can you worship a god who would do this? Ohhh nooo, something is wrong with you if you happen to show weakness as well. I'll be the 1st to confess that each loss I suffer at this point carries some of the weight of the ones before it. I didn't realize how powerful this was until December 2nd which is the day I had to put Reily down. I can't imagine what a young solider has to deal with trying to resolve what he/she has seen with a world that mostly cannot know. If you've made it this far chances are you've lost some loved ones, lost jobs, lost confidence and you will be weak at times. Maybe with the economy changing we will come together and help each other a little more. Silo seems to think that people will come together regardless of the institutions that fail and I hope he's right. Cheers to my friends for being the individuals that you are.

----------
Existentialism - A Definition
Existentialism in the broader sense is a 20th century philosophy that is centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world. The notion is that humans exist first and then each individual spends a lifetime changing their essence or nature.

In simpler terms, existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. The belief is that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook. And personal choices become unique without the necessity of an objective form of truth. An existentialist believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

Another definition: A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

Brian/Helen

This is Brian and Helen. I will finish this post in time but this picture sums up a lot that really doesn't need to be said. We're like the 3 amigos....You start with a friendship and maybe there are some rocky times but if you make it through it seems to become stronger. So we became stronger and over the course of time I've been involved in important times in both of their lives and them mine. Weddings, Funerals and Vegas. If that doesn't make you close nothing will. Vegas is a great place to forget and remember all at the same time. I love these 2 people. Merry Christmas to you guys and your families.

Reily...(R.I.P)

I had to put my baby to sleep yesterday...He just ran out of steam...Today is the 1st day coming home without him running out to greet me and its killing me as I type. He was such a gentle little guy. Always. He wouldn't hurt a flee. He had a long and good life and I'm thankful I got to spend the last few months with him. I will refine this post gradually as I'm able but for now this is it. I plan to add our videos here too.....I miss you bug....

ps..the pic of him in the chair with the bag was during Halloween...This was a bag full of candy and he helped me give it out....

our vids
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http://www.vimeo.com/8008561
http://www.vimeo.com/7743947
http://www.vimeo.com/7479928
http://www.vimeo.com/7230076
http://www.vimeo.com/6875480

Since we loved this song...here it is again.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qz3VcLv2kQ&feature=channel

Reily came into my life in March of 1996. I was away on an adventure and Amy decided to get some company for Miss Maggie. When I got home he was still small enough to walk under her belly. I had been layed off from a job and had some time on my hands so I used to take the 2 of them into the woods for hikes. They were both slow enough running that I never put a leash on because I could chase them down. We got into a routine of waiting about 50 feet from the road and I'd pick them up. All I'd have to say is, 'pick em up' and they'd stop and wait. He kept that habit until his last days. At 1st I thought having 2 dogs would be tough but he learned so quickly and I think Maggie was a big part of that. She was always the bully and he the chicken little. He never did catch on to the bully thing. As time went on they might as well have been one dog they were so easy to live with. Maggie passed in May of 2004 but as luck would have it somebody had given Amy another Maltese and although she is no Maggie she was still company for my little dude. Another shock for the both of us was when I moved back to Maryland in the same year. He lost his big sister and his daddy but as more luck would have it he had a wonderful granddaddy in Albert. Albert loved him much as we did. When I'd come visit he still seemed to know me but so much time had passed it was different as time went on. Skip forward to summer of 2009. He had started to fail somewhat at this point. He'd lost a lot of his vision and being around a kid and other dogs was causing him panic attacks. Amy called and asked what I thought so on August 27, 2009 (Albert's Birthday) she and Big Al brought him to me an although I know it hurt her deeply to let him go she also knew she had no choice. I figured he could stay with me and see how it went. We had a shaky start but he seemed to figure out my house. He put on some weight and seemed to be happy. I knew he didn't have long and was surprised that he lived as long as he did. Long enough for us to get reacquainted and that to me makes all of this grieving worth it. If you don't grieve a loss how can you appreciate what you have....? The newsroom is still quiet tonight but I have those good memories and I know Amy and Albert do too. 1 last thing. I think dogs know something about when their time is near. Maggie waited(I'll use waited as that is what they seem to do) until both Amy and I were away and she died in her sleep next to Albert. She snuggled up and passed away and I think she knew that neither one of us could handle it. I also think Reily found just enough energy to live long enough for us to reacquaint. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Happy Birthday Pop

You would have been 78 years old today. I just want to give a quick thank you for everything you've ever done for me over the years. The #1 thing that keeps re-appearing is you let me have the ability to think for myself. No brainwashing. I've come into trouble in conversation with some of the more brainwashed faithful lately but that's the price I suppose. You had your ideas on things but never forced them on me. The golden rule was always your thing and has been my thing for as long as I can remember. I can remember you asking me if I, 'thanked someone' when a gift or meal was offered. I try to never miss a thank you because what once was just a habit to a little kid is in reality much appreciated by those who hear it. It's all these little things that are still here. I put my seat belt on 99 percent of the time even if I'm going 1 mile to the store because I can hear your voice. (are you buckled up) Leslie wrote a nice post about how you just wanted us to be together on the holidays even though the xmas thing is a commercial nightmare you loved nothing more than buying us things and making us happy. I could go on an on but I won't.....Cheers to you pop....I miss and love you.