3 years ago today.

Been 3 years today since my ma died in the hospital on a quiet Saturday evening in Maryland. She'd been struggling with the will to live for a period of time. She stopped eating and became so weak she couldn't walk so off to the hospital she had to go. What turned into a nourishment visit ended in pneumonia and death. Hospitals are no place for the weak.

My mother always knew when to give me a push and in later years I tried to return the favor. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded but who's counting. It's hard not to become angry at times and I was more than angry on more than 1 occasion. When someone won't eat it's maddening but that's how it goes for a lot of folks.

One day she is semi lucid and the next she's pretty much out. My sis warned me what to expect before going in so I went straight to the liquor store and bought some Jim Beam before entering the automatic doors of life and death. Docs said on Tuesday she pretty much had a day or 2. They didn't know my mother. She was on morphine and nothing else and I think she was in her own little heaven before she took off. She lived on morphine and nothing else for 5 days! She hung on until Saturday evening around 5pm.

When the docs say a day or 2 you think, 'l'll just stay the whole time' so that's what I tried to do until I became a walking zombie. I finally took to going home at night and coming back 1st thing in the morning.

Saturday evening with just Ellie and me in the room the nurse said she thought it was time and sure enough it was. It was very peaceful. Few last breaths and then things stop. We walked out into the evening and it was surreal. No mother, no real direction. It's a relief on 1 hand but on the other you know you're at the bottom of a mountain and the top layer of snow is about to let loose. And it does. You slowly crawl out of the darkness and begin life without something. Time heals and if you're lucky you have good friends and family to help and I was very lucky.

I like the fact that your healed but you still have scars and those scars make you a better person. Empathy is easier than it ever was. I'm more sensitive than I ever was and I don't mind. If something moves me to tears it's a pleasure and not something to hide.

Cheers to my mom for all her wisdom and her faults.